And Now, An Exclusive Message From Lindsay Lohan, Part III.

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"Wha'sh everybody lookin at? I tripped is all. Ain't nobody here never tripped before? Look, someone spilled their drink and it left a wet spot on the floor wisssh I slipped on. Ish not my fault. Where's the janitor? Wher'sh that wet floor yellow sign thingy? What? I said 'Move that floor sign, I'm Lindsay Lohan' when I came in? I don' 'member that. What? Ish you calling me a liar now? I've never lied about nothin' ever in my life. What? The waiter heard me say that? He's a goddamn liar. Where ish he? I'll straighten him ou - *hic* - where I am I? The hell am I? I'm in Italy? How the hell did I get here? Call my mom. Tell her to come get me - no, call Oprah. Call her now! What do ya mean she won't accept my calls anymore? My show was nominated for an Emmy last week. It wasn't? Bullshit - yes it was - where'sh my phone, I'll show you. I dropped it in the toilet earlier? So? Jus' wipe it off in your pants and then it'll work again. Trus' me. I've done that a zhillion times. You know how many times I've dropped stuff in the toilet? Phones, keys, fingers, my foot when I'd have shex in there with some guy I met 2 minutes before. Just wipe and your good. Hey - who's that bitch over there looking at me funny? Over there, that scag in the slutty dress with the shiny thin spaghetti things dangling from it. Ha! What a 'tard. Her dress looksh like it's made from tinsel on a Christmas tree. Oh wait - that's jus' my 'flection in the mirror. Never mind. Aweshum dress. Anyway, better get me up to my room. I have to be back in - where is it? London. Right. Shit. I'm shupposed to begin 'hearsing for that play - what's it called again? Mr. Plow? Right, from The Simpsons - Hahahahahahahaha. Not The Simpsons? It's something different? Speed something? Oh, am I starring in a remake of Shpeed? The Sandra Bullock part? I'm not? Fuck you - yesh I am. Call my agent, Jason, tomorrow, he'll tell you. I'm gonna be the next Shandra Bullock and then Oprah and you and everyone else can kish my ass. But first we have to find my underwear. Better check in the toilet. I'm going to have a smoke and then I'm going to sleep. Got to look good for when I win an Oscar next year. What are you laughing at? I swear to God, I'll  beat your face...*Phoooooomp*....aw, shit, I fell again. I can't get up. Well, while I'm down here might as well make a dollar...come closer lover, I'll make it worth your - *Uuhh-coughhhhhhh-coughhhhhh-coughhhhhh-hm-hmmmmm....* - Jesus, must have been something I ate earlier...now where were we?"

Image Courtesy Vantagenews.co.uk


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