Celebrity Gossip
Thursday, 28 July 2016 16:09

Lindsay Lohan's Fairy Tale Romance Is Over

Written by Jason Sheppard


Lindsay Lohan is having as bad a week as recently ousted DNC chairperson Debbie Wasserman Shultz, what with her Russian fiance's (Lindsay's - not Debbie's) soap opera playing out in front of all of us, but you know who is having a week as great as Hillary Clinton? Lindsay's father Michael Lohan, who after a long, long silent spell, now gets to emerge as super-dad and act all concerned about his daughter's well-being. Somebody should remind him that he has two daughters but I don't think he even remembers the other one. ALI, Michael! Her name is Ali. I'm sure someday it'll come back to him.

When Lindsay Lohan (who may or may not be pregnant but still smokes like 3 packs of cigs per day) broadcast her public meltdown on Insta this past Saturday, where she publicly pleaded with her fiancé Egor Tarabsov to come home from the club because she was DRINKING WATER FOR HIM, she now claims she only did so out of fear.  Well when Egor did finally make it back to their apartment, they engaged in a messy balcony screaming match that included her of accusing him of cheating on her, strangling her and treating her like crap.

Lindsay, seen in a secretly filmed neighbor's video, was heard screaming at Egor to go away and that she didn't love him any longer and that he couldn't strike women. A very valid truth. So, what spurned this brawl between the American/Russian version of Romeo & Juliet (if Romeo was a 23 year old idiot and Juliet was a 30 year old derby wreck with every opportunity in life handed to her in which she in turn, completely wasted and trashed), Lindsay accused Egor of sleeping with a Russian hooker while he was out Saturday night. Don't tell me, her name was Natasha and she cost $5,000 a night, had long blonde hair, wore fishnet stockings and unlike Lindsay, had a feminine voice. Actually, sources connected to Lindsay say the woman in question is named Dasha Pashevkina, who Lindsay recently branded a 'Russian hooker' in a post. Dasha has denied ever having slept with Egor and has announced plans to now launch legal action against the star. Lindsay and Dasha were at one point, friendly as you can see from this (now deleted) selfie Lindsay once posted on social media. No wonder she was upset. I hope it was worth it for him, because now Lindsay is never going to let him forget this. Good going, dude.

So now that Lindsay hightailed it out of London, where the couple were currently living, and the pair's engagement is reportedly off, that means Michael had to inject himself into his grown daughter's affairs. But he's been doing that since 2004 so why should he stop now? This is Christmas to a guy like Michael, who gets to shop around info to gossip sites. It used to be Radar but I guess they're not returning his texts because he's awful, but now it's TMZ who I'm sure offered him a Kmart discounted price - and yeah - he took it.

Michael provided TMZ with some texts which were sent to Egor shortly after the fight. There are some spelling errors and Michael sounds all rage-y. Well as rage-y as one can in a text message. Too bad Michael's iPhone (knockoff) doesn't come with an app which can read out texts in an Al Pacino shouty voice. Then we might have had something.

“You threaten my daughter, touch her or if anything happens to her and you will have no where to hide  mother ducked like weasel”

“VOME Here And Face ME like a man and bring your daddy and mommy”

“Return her jewelry you broke phoney or I’ll take it out of your ass. I WILL find you“

Listen to Mr. Tough-ass there. Somebody's been watching some Sopranos box sets. Michael, look, let Egor keep that jewelry. I mean, c'mon - we know Lindsay stole that jewelry in the first place. Let it go, bro. And look, you calling another human being a "broke phoney" is like Donald Trump calling Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre "One ugly dude." Now, let's all try to give Lindsay the privacy she so desperately wishes from everybody at this time. She's busy trying to figure out which photo of her tits hanging out of a slinky dress barely hanging off her scabby shoulders, while leaning over an uncleared room service table to post on Instagram later. Don't forget to leave a comment calling her "goddess." She likes that. But not as much as I liked "mother ducked weasel." I have to remember that one when arguing with the service rep at Verizon about my monthly wireless bill.

Image Courtesy Instagram/Lindsay Lohan