Celebrity Gossip
Monday, 25 July 2016 15:59

An Exclusive Message From Lindsay Lohan Part IV

Written by Jason Sheppard

'Sup everybody,

Well it has been quite some time since I wrote one of these to all you fans. Huh? What's that? Fans of who? Um...fans of ME! Who do you think I meant? What's that again? I don't have any fans left? Bullshit! I do so. They write "That's so Fetch" to me on Twitter all the time. Um....what? Oh, that's not me they're writing that to but rather to my Mean Girls co-star Lacey Chabert? They like her more than me? Pfft. What's she done so recently that was so terrific? A movie about Christian Mingle? Ha-Ha. What a dope. Besides, everybody knows I'm more Christian than she is. Everybody knows this. Why, everywhere I go, people always say to me "Dear girl, I'm praying for you." See? Strangers are praying for my soul for no reason at all. Suck it, Gretchen Wieners!

Anyway, it has been an absolute crazy...um....how many years has it been? Wait....I'll figure it out when I remember what year we are currently in. It's....ah, screw it....anyway, it's been a long time. As you might have heard, since I last wrote one of these, a lot has happened to me. I turned 30 a few years back...huh, what? Oh, it was just four weeks back? Are you all sure? Hmm. Seems longer. Oh, well. So that happened. And guess what also? I GOT ENGAGED! Isn't that just great news for my bank account me? His name is.......damn.......his name is........what's his name......that's right! It's Iggy. Just like that chick who sang that "Fancy" song. I don't know the name of it. I'm sure, it'll come to me at some point. Well, Iggy is 23 and a real catch. He's Russian and the Russians are very nice people. Well Iggy...oh hold on....shit...someone just reminded me his name is Egor. WHAT!? I'm engaged to a guy named "Egor"? This is a joke, right? How did that get by me? I'm not standing for.....wha? Rich? Family? Really rich family? Y'know...maybe I'm being too close-minded. It's just a name, right? I mean my VERY, VERY, CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND OPRAH has a bit of a weird name too and I didn't judge her for that. At least not after the checks were all cashed. (Don't let her know I just wrote that).

Well, Egor and I get along wonderfully. We hardly ever fight or argue - except for that time when he suggested that for our wedding, it would be very romantic if we just had a small intimate ceremony in a damp, grassy, open pasture surrounded by cows and birds under the chilly grey sky. I mean, it was a suggestion I beat out of his head by throwing empty bottles right at his skull until he was knocked unconscious carefully took into consideration because his family's large bank account feelings and needs are important to me. Of course, I saw it another way and felt that a lavish, massive, multi-million dollar four night celebration would be more memorable. He always sees the big picture. His family is wonderful as well (RICH!) They're all extremely protective of Egor and on several occasions have warned me that if I do anything to screw him over, their friends from some Russian organization would deal with me. I think they're called the KFC although, I'm not sure why a chicken place should scare me. Are they going to dump hot gravy over me? Maybe. These Russian people are into some strange things. Also, If I have to hear that goddamn "Lara's Theme" one more time I'm going to scream. I once joked with Igor's family that it should be called "Lindsay's Theme" but they did not seem to happy with that suggestion as they spent three days cursing at me in Russian and spitting on my brand new Chanel shoes. Those shoes were ruined by the way, but Igor brought me new ones. Said they fell off a truck. A lot of stuff he gives me apparently fell off a truck. Russian transport vehicles must not have very strong locks. I once said that American locks were stronger and they should try using those and the next thing I knew, I woke up in a cold basement locked to a wall with a note on the floor which read "Try breaking free from THIS lock, you sniveling American brat." Igor's family are such pranksters.  

Well, unfortunately, things haven't been going quite so well between Egor and myself to be perfectly honest with you. We just had a great big fight and it got so bad, the Bobbies (what we call cops here in London) came and bust down the door to our apartment. He is going out every night and having a great time and being photographed with all kinds of other women with names like Kendra, Victoria, Zderenka, Olga, Monika, Bibi, Martina and Ursa. Like what is that last one supposed to be? Did she arrive to Earth from planet Krypton? I'd better not run into any of these Russian skanks because I will throw a glass upside their heads faster then you can say "Rich Sugar Baby." Imagine - women in their 20's hanging out in clubs and bars every night until the sun comes up, sleeping all day, clinging to every man with cash or fame who passes by, driving while drunk, getting arrested, making a mockery of their country's laws and rules, creating a laughing stock of their family name, screwing up all the time, stealing everything they spy with their eyes, becoming an unemployable, washed-up adult mess whose only way of getting attention is by posting skanky photos of themselves on social media and name dropping their famous friends who in actuality, won't even bother returning their phone calls any more.

Thank GOD I never turned out like that.

Anyway, I hope Igor and I can get past this rough patch. I don't know what I'd do without him - although I do know it wouldn't involve work because right now I'm all about wanting to offer my gift to the world through my art. I truly only feel at home when I'm on a movie set - even though I haven't been on one of those in a few years now. The sets they have in Russia are not like the ones in America. Like in America, they won't let you drink Vodka until after shooting for the day has ended. How dumb is that? Also, I'm about world peace and suffering children. Helping them I mean. Why, whenever I see a poor child on the street, I'll run up to them and show them a clip of Herbie: Fully Loaded on my iPhone and then I'll say to them "See the pretty redhead girl there on the phone? That's me! 12 years ago. Don't I look exactly the same?" but usually they'll just look at me like I'm some kind of ogre lady who crawled out of a box behind a brewery and then they'll run away crying. I don't mind. It fills me with a warm feeling knowing I was able to bring a little bit of brightness to their miserable, depressing, awful, horrid, disgusting, grey, cold, hard, destitute, pointless existence. I smile just thinking about it.

Well, I guess I should  wrap this up. Just wanted to reach out to you all. I hope everything is great back home in the States. I hear there's an important election coming up and though I don't know much about the policies of either candidates - Hilary Duff and Donald Duck, I'm sure either one of them will make a great commander in chief. Wait, I take that back. I hate Hilary Duff. She stole Aaron Carter from me back in 2004 so to hell with her. DONALD DUCK 20....um...16? Yeah, 2016!

XOXO, Kiss


P.S. If anybody reading this knows Oprah's current telephone number, can you please send it to me. The one I have isn't working as I always get a "Sorry. The number you have dialed is no longer in service" message. I'm sure it's just an oversight on O's part that she forget to let me know her new one. Won't she be shocked when she answers the phone one day and it's ME on the other end?"

Published in Celebrity Gossip Tagged under Lindsay Lohan

Related Items

Lindsay Lohan Is Back In New York - And Starting Up Sh-t Again
At Least Lindsay Lohan Is Housebroken
Lindsay Lohan In Notofu Magazine Looks Wrong
Lindsay Lohan Got An Early Christmas "Present"
Lindsay Lohan Posts Bizarre Um..."Tribute" to 9/11
Login to post comments