Celebrity Gossip

Thursday, 30 July 2015 20:20

My Recent Weird Taylor Swift Dream

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It's a bright, warm sunny day and some kind of festival/carnival is happening outside. I'm wearing a black suit trying to navigate around the area. Suddenly, for some reason, I begin running. I glance up to my right and there's a platform full of dancing girls all wearing sparkly gold outfits, smiling their faces off. I keep running and reach a shirtless, fit, male model lying on the ground with a rope hovering over him. I leap over the shirtless dude and the rope and continue running. Then as I turn the corner, it is now suddenly late evening and the sky has grown dark. I now realize why I'm running - the Academy Awards are happening tonight - except for the first time ever - they are being held outdoors in a grassy green open area. I'm standing a distance away and I have to cross a small fielded area to get to an empty seat. However, at that very moment, all eyes are focused on a girl just standing about 7-8 feet away from me. It's Taylor Swift in a long white Ralph Lauren dress and she's about to perform her song number.

As she starts singing, she sees me standing across from her and as she begins to make her way across the field as well, she extends her arm to take my hand. That's nice of her. So we walk hand in hand across the field when we come upon a long, shallow line of rain water. Taylor is wearing open toe Miu Miu glitter-finish leather sandals and I know she doesn't want to get those wet so I take off my suit jacket and lay it on the ground for her to walk on, except the jacket falls through and she still gets her $730 fancy shoes and feet wet. This doesn't go over very well as you can imagine as Taylor just looks down at her soggy feet making that "O" face she always makes. She quickly lets go of my hand after that and calls for her handlers come get her. Meanwhile, everyone is now looking at me like I threw one of Taylor's cats off the freeway overpass into oncoming traffic.

Next thing I know, I'm sitting in this very tiny office with a bunch of managers and this one tall Scarlett Johansson look-alike executive-type lady in a dark Cavalli tuxedo-inspired pant suit, with her almost white-blonde hair pulled perfectly back in a bun on top of her head, tilts her Gucci glasses-wearing face in my direction and her very red lips are doing that Makayla Maroney thing and then she says to me, "Well, you're now off the list to attend the Victoria's Secret Academy Awards after-party." Then I ask, "Well what about the party thrown by the models who aren't Victoria's Secret models and really want to be, but never will because they're not hot enough? Can I go to that party?" but Gucci glasses lady just says "No! No parties at all. in fact, it's probably best right now that you leave." Of course she glares right into my face as if she's trying to melt it with her icy stare and if that wasn't bad enough, she says "leeeeeeave" for at least five long seconds, giving everyone else plenty of time to turn their gaze on me as she's saying I am not welcome anywhere. Any other time, I'd find almost-white-haired, perfectly-angular face, stylish-glasses wearing, red-lipped, milky-white-perfect-blemish-free skin with just a touch of L'oreal Color Riche rouge on her cheeks, slim, cream-colored-satin-blouse, designer suit and high heels wearing lady executive kinda hot but right now at this moment, she makes me feel about the size of a Bieber. In other words - very, very small.

I leave the tiny shack and walk around the corner where it's now early morning when the sun just creeping up above the L.A. hills making the world look like a shot from a Kurosawa movie. I run into two friends of mine and tell them what happened. They suggest I try to get a new job to put this behind me. I walk into this extremely tiny business that is hiring someone to assist at a ski lodge. Crazy story - the place is run by Jason Bateman. He's not too sure on hiring me so he calls out to his assistant to come out and judge for herself. His assistant comes out wearing a Burberry dark grey skirt and vest over a white sleeveless blouse. Oh, she is also my ex-girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend just says, "He'll be fine" and then turns away and back into her work area. Jason hires me and then as I leave I can hear him say in Michael Bluth voice, "I think I've made a huge mistake." As I turn around the corner, I run smack dab into Tobias Funke and he just looks at me and starts to laugh and says, "You know, this is usually the part in Arrested Development where I've screwed up the most. Glad it's not me for a change." and then he walks away. With that, I just sigh and continue  on my way.

So what happened next you ask? I dunno. My mother called me on the phone and woke me up. Now wasn't that a crazy dream I just had? Boy, It sure was. 

Image Courtesy Getty Images

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